Extras

I Don’t Like Cricket, I Hate It – county attendances and world record scores

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A semi-regular feature in which we ask Prince Prefab about cricket – even though he hates cricket.

As we speak, the team in first place in the County Championship has played 12 matches, won four and drawn eight. What do you make of that?

I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to draw me into a rant about how can it be possible for a cricket match to be drawn because I don’t understand how that is possible despite you explaining over and over in tedious detail.

But I have a sore throat and I’m feeling sorry for myself and I don’t want to talk about that. Instead, explain to me how the fuck can anyone earn money playing cricket for Hampshire? I’ve seen the grounds on match days and there’s no bastard there. There’s less people there than at an East 17 comeback gig, without Tony Mortimer, in Margate. How’s it viable? How does it buy takeaways and pay for mortgages? How do county cricketers pay for Netflix?

What’s the average attendance for a county game KC? 48?

By the way I’ve just realised I don’t know how many players are in a cricket team. Is it eleven? Like football?

I was actually posing the original question because I thought you’d be taken aback that the league leaders have only won a third of their games. Your answer’s better though.

Yes, there are 11 players in a cricket team. Football presumably thought that seemed like a decent number and copied.

I’m not actually this angry about county cricket I’m sure you are aware. More puzzled.

I was going to go on about how Lancashire weren’t winning. I was always told we were the best. Like Man Utd.

That’s probably a reasonably accurate comparison actually.

England just made the highest-ever score in one-day internationals. What do you make of that?

Not much to be honest. If you’re constantly doing the same thing day after day it’s bound to happen at some point. You know, that monkeytypewritershakespeare thing.

Also, a technical aside here, I just heard some expert on the radio say, ‘it’s easier with these modern bats and the lads are much fitter these days too.’ So basically they hit a few more runs than big fat lads with shit bats.

But, you know, well done.

Interesting point. Do you think cricket’s shooting itself in the foot trying to be all modern and elite? Do you think it needs to crack down on fitness and return to the age of the fatty?

There is far too much of the ‘elite’ about sportsmen and women these days. It’s boring. They’re boring. And they’re always tweeting/instagramming photos of their abs. Bring back Beefy. He never tweets embarrassing photos.

Look at you making knowing references about cricketers.

I only know cos it involved a cock on the loose.

Similar deliveries:

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44 comments

  1. I’m worried you might be losing your marbles.

    PS, I spotted a typo and I’m not going to tell you where.

      1. PP doesn’t sound like a cricketer hater, more a disinterested party. I have never understood those who vehemently hate cricket, in the same way I have never trusted those who hate garlic or Bob Dylan. While everyone seems to be getting heated, when did ‘the comfort break’ enter the commentator’s lexicon.?Some dry old stick said it today at Trent Bridge. Obviously they can’t say someone’s popping off for a gypsy’s (kiss) but nonetheless it still sounds alien to me.

      2. In keeping with the modern marketing trends, I prefer to call it an Armitage Shanks Urination Break. I’m not even paid to say that, but maybe I should be.

      3. Ridiculously I looked on Internet and there is a young cricketer called Armitage Shanks and Thomas Crapper is buried next to WC, sorry, WG Grace. So Armitage Shanks is just off for a. . . .

      4. UNinterested, in this context, Edwardian, not DISinterested, although Prince Prefab is probably both.

      6. Shameful advertising I know, Ged, but the book is Station 43. Audley End House and SOE’s Polish Section (Amazon 99p) The cricket ref is that when I worked there I tried to get a team together to play the Littleport XI on the cow lawn at the house. I only had three takers which included a sterling lady who had only played lacrosse. The littleport XI had an incredibly angry groundsman. Something to do with the starting handle on the heavy roller. He was fantastic. You could hear him swearing from Saffron Walden high street.

  3. This is disgraceful.

    We come here because we share an interest. We don’t need to justify that interest, we just need to have it. People who don’t share that interest are welcome to read, maybe even to become more interested, but they are not welcome to ride roughshod over it like it was meaningless. It might well be meaningless to them, but it really, genuinely, truthfully, heartfeltly ISN’T TO US.

    There’s less people there than at an East 17 comeback gig.

    There are FEWER people there than at an East 17 comeback gig.

    Nice stuff on the cricket, though.

      1. Oh dear.

        “We’re also including 14 new ambient snacking lines, all at 50p and under 150 calories each, tapping into the healthy snacking trend.”

        Less sandwiches = fewer calories.

      2. There are fewer things I hate less than a less than/fewer than debate.

        In other news, Somerset 95 all out, Bears 31/0.

        Shove that up your arses.

      4. Fewer arses on seats after that batting debacle. Somerset hitting the bum notes today. In truth our lower order has bailed us out on many an occasion this season; many of our supposed ‘specialist’ batsmen have truly endured an ‘anus horribilis’.

      6. I hope Sam’s currently enjoying these apples. Cider apples, and less apples than I have but apples nonethefewer.

      11. Typical Taunton minefield!

        Jake Ball hat-trick in first over vs Middlesex. So much shoving up arses going on today.

      15. We were thinking just the other day that we should have a ‘frequently asked questions’ page and that this should feature.

      17. Indeed EC, and welcome to the inner circle. Might I be permitted to say, in light of this new-found knowledge, and on behalf of everyone here – shove it up your arse.

      18. Meanwhile at Ciderabad, this Somerset spin duo are rapidly diminishing my ability to spake… is a late tractor-run to the title on after all?

      20. You’ve yorked me, Bert. All that stuff about arses and inner circles has left me feeling a bit painful as I stagger back to the pavilion.

  4. The prince clearly knows more about the sport than he’s letting on with his subtle Beefy tweet comment.

  6. Does Prince Prefab have any children, KC?

    If so, do the Prefab sprouts have an opinion on cricket worth sharing with us?

    2. Middx 0-3 after 5 balls; is this a record?

      England needs more Balls.

      Rumour has it that the Nancy Sinatra song included the words “pepper sprouts” which got misheard. I’ve never met a pepper sprout.

  7. Thanks for asking the “so many draws” question yer maj. Not sure if it were as a favour to me or if you’d forgotten entirely about it but independently come up with the same question. Good stuff either way.

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