Send your pictures of cricket bats and other cricket stuff in unusual places to king@kingcricket.co.uk. It is more than okay to put the cricket thing in the unusual place yourself if you want.

Regular King Cricket contributor Ged Ladd writes…

Deep within Standard Chartered Bank’s City of London offices, while strolling through an upper floor atrium, I spotted this cricketing effigy in the window of the floor below.

I should point out that I was on those auspicious premises, with colleagues, for a charity fundraising quiz night, which I have written up in excruciating detail on the Ged Ladd & Co website. I was not there on city-slicker, banker-bonus business.

Call me old-fashioned, but standing atop the stumps while executing some sort of a scoopy-swatty shot is not in any cricketing manual that I have ever seen.

Far from standard in my book.

Send your pictures of cricket bats and other cricket stuff in unusual places to king@kingcricket.co.uk. It is more than okay to put the cricket thing in the unusual place yourself if you want.

Despite making efforts to steer clear of cricket at the minute, we’re rather struggling to switch on the box without seeing it. If it’s not in a fishing programme, it’s in a Western.

The opening shot of episode two of BBC drama The English shows a game of cricket in Caine County, Powder River in the newly created state of Wyoming in 1890.

We were quite surprised, but then it is called The English and those guys did have a track record of taking humanity’s greatest accomplishment to new lands. (Weird how the missionary zeal has faded since then and the English only really seem to want India and Australia playing the game other than them.)

Along with alarmingly high colour saturation, another aspect of The English’s very distinct visual style is its camera framing. In this case that means we don’t get to see the ball being bowled or hit.

We see the bowler about to bowl. Then we see a shadow of the ball and batter as he takes a swing…

… and then we see your man swing with the sun directly behind him with the ball just out of shot.

Even without the cricket, we reckon you could instantly determine this guy was English purely from his face.

Straight after that, some fella rides in and does a double equine Shahid Afridi halfway down the pitch. (Obviously we mean wicket tampering here. The horses don’t bite the ball or hit massive sixes or anything.)

“What?” says your man.

“Better see for yourself,” replies the horseman.

Your man blurrily mounts his steed leaving his hat on the ground and in focus.

And then they bugger off with great urgency.

And that’s it for cricket. Or at least it is in episode two. We haven’t seen beyond that yet so don’t be coming round here with your “oh but what about that bit in episode three” and your “oh wow have you seen the end?”

Next week on King Cricket: Cricket in a gardening programme or Bladerunner or something.

Send your pictures of cricket bats and other cricket stuff in unusual places to king@kingcricket.co.uk. You are more than free – indeed you are actively encouraged – to put the cricket thing in the unusual place yourself. Send more of those ones please.

If you’ve never seen Mortimer & Whitehouse: Gone Fishing, it’s a programme where comedians Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse go fishing in scenic spots around the UK, stay somewhere nice, eat food and just generally talk about any old bollocks that comes into Bob’s head.

It is not a demanding programme to watch and if you’ve got a bit of a viral infection of a Saturday evening and you’re kind of drifting in and out of sleep, it’s not the worst thing to put on as it’s calm and pleasant and you aren’t going to miss anything crucial during the periods when you’re not conscious.

Rather unexpectedly, episode one of series five features a spot of cricket.

Let’s take a closer look at the action to try and work out whether Bob or Paul has the greater pedigree as a cricketer.

The players

It’s fair to say that neither man is in peak physical condition. Both are in their sixties and both have had major heart problems. Neither claims any kind of cricketing prowess. Bob does get a few sports ability points for having had trials to become a pro footballer but then instantly loses them as he failed to get a contract due to arthritis.

So we should be generous.

Bob Mortimer’s bowling

While it’s low velocity, Bob’s run-up is actually quite promising.

His body is canted in that distinctive way that indicates he is preparing to get side-on. He holds the ball well in a highly cricket way. His gaze is trained on his target. There’s almost something Warne-esque about how he looks in the image above.

The delivery itself doesn’t quite live up to this. It is pretty round-arm and there is little in his grip that suggests any great volume of bowling over the years. Set against that, maybe the arm used to get a little higher. Maybe that grip used to give a bit of a tweak but he doesn’t feel confident immediately throwing that into the mix without having had a few practice overs.

All in all, not bad. What’s at the other end?

Paul Whitehouse’s batting

It’s worth pointing out that Paul is having to cope with a drastically undersized bat here.

So the generous take is that the retreating back leg stance is perhaps an effort to get a bit lower. It also looks like he brings it a bit more level when Bob actually bowls the ball.

So the jury’s out.

Okay, we’ve seen enough. We don’t even need to look at the shot itself to confirm that Bob Mortimer has greater cricketing pedigree than Paul Whitehouse.

Bob Mortimer fielding

Bob also displays impressive commitment to his fielding and combines that with a good deal of prowess.

See how he leaps like a crested salmon!

And successfully takes the catch.

Faux pas

One thing that shouldn’t be overlooked, however, was this shameful incident during the build-up.

Not with the face of the bat, Bob! Use the end of the handle!

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Send your pictures of cricket bats and other cricket stuff in unusual places to king@kingcricket.co.uk. Feel free to put the cricket thing in the unusual place yourself. Seriously. We’ve nothing against contrivance. We actively encourage it, if anything.

Apparently embracing the timekeeping habits of this website, Tom began writing to us after spotting this in February before eventually sending the email in July. (We’ve used an image from a different video above.)

“It is a pair of cricket pads being worn by artist Sophie von Hellerman in her studio in Margate,” said Tom.

“Initially you might think she has been designing the pads for a new limited-overs franchise – the Margate Megafauna perhaps (and maybe that yellow leopard-like character in one of the paintings is the club mascot). But I think in fact she wears them to cushion the knees when painting on the floor – a useful tip for cricketers who also garden/undertake DIY/are successful contemporary artists/pray regularly.

“Hellerman is no stranger to cricket, incidentally. She painted this idyllic scene back in 2001.

“If you’re very bored, you can read a long thing I wrote that was published in The Pinch Hitter in June 2020. In a way it is an entire essay about cricket equipment in unusual places – those places being contemporary art galleries. It also contains a rumour about a nude David Gower.”

Send your pictures of cricket bats and other cricket stuff in unusual places to king@kingcricket.co.uk. Feel free to put the cricket thing in the unusual place yourself.

Ged writes…

Daisy and I took a short break in Provence in the spring of 2008. Our main purpose was to help Kin celebrate her birthday in St Tropez.

Knowing what a whirlwind affair those celebrations were likely to be, we arranged to spend a few days in a quiet Château in rural Provence getting “acclimatised,” if you know what I mean. We didn’t take many photos at the Château but we did take this one.

I have a very strong memory of reading Fatty Batter while sitting on a lovely sun deck at that place and indeed my journal records the matter: “… enjoy the sun on our sun deck one last time before heading off for St Trop. I finish Fatty Batter before we leave.”

I was very keen to read Fatty Batter, not least because I had met and chatted with Michael Simkins at Lord’s one time, through Michael Billington, the long-time Guardian theatre critic. I have also seen Michael Simkins perform on the stage several times, before and indeed since.

Fatty Batter is a very good book. The early chapters, about Simkins’s childhood love of and enthusiasm for the game being somewhat dampened by his lack of ability and suitable physique, in particular rang a great many bells for me.

The book gets a bit luvvie towards the end, but then I would probably go on about it if Kate Winslet had turned up and watched me play cricket. Not that I ever mention Garry Sobers having watched me play cricket. But I digress.

Fatty Batter was a very suitable book to read during a quiet 48 hours in rural Provence. It would have been less suitable during the birthday celebrations that followed in St Tropez. More pictures and stories from rural Provence and St Tropez can be found through this link.

I did take a good book with me to Stefano Forever, just in case the burlesque didn’t please me, but I was inadvertently press-ganged into participating in the show. Sadly, the title of that book is lost in the mists of time, but I’m pretty sure it was not a cricket book.

Send your pictures of cricket bats and other cricket stuff in unusual places to king@kingcricket.co.uk. Feel free to put the cricket thing in the unusual place yourself. Seriously. We’ve nothing against contrivance.

Gareth writes…

Here are the remnants (signs of a brutal separation of the handle are visible) of a cricket bat (cheapy beach cricket set variety I’d say) pressed into service as a swing seat in a small wood in Cardiff. 

As I walk this route fairly regularly, I believe this to be a recently installed apparatus. There’s a children’s play area 500 metres up the path. 

I guess a swing here would be more atmospheric. 

Send your pictures of cricket bats and other cricket stuff in unusual places to king@kingcricket.co.uk. Feel free to put the cricket thing in the unusual place yourself.

Jayne with a Y spotted this cricket bat in the Pearl’s Peril hidden object game. “The ridiculous English language description is ‘fungo bat’ (a baseball term),” she said.

Obvious question here: What is Pearl’s Peril?

Jayne said: “There are a few more complications, but essentially you find hidden (and not so hidden) objects in scenes to earn in game ‘stuff’ and that allows you reveal a pretty lame plot.

“Monetization via in-app purchases is pretty aggressive, but once you’ve figured things out you can play at a decent clip without spending actual cash. There are tons of languages, and the translations can be a bit iffy – ham came up as jamón (Spanish) once.

“Along the way you’ll have to know (or learn) what things like a kota and a hamsa are. They get loudspeaker/tannoy, bullhorn and megaphone mixed up. And they’ve just put a cricket bat in a Japanese garden – but then again they put snakes in Hawai’i and THERE ARE NO SNAKES IN HAWAI’I.”

If you want to get more of a feel for the game, Jayne points out that pissed-off Pearl, “looks a right bitch.”

She also highlighted this adorable baby llama.

And these rude rock formations.

“And to balance the cute llama there is a creepy AF clown.”

In no way exposing our slow speed in publishing these things, Jayne got back to us three months later to inform us there’d been another cricket bat, “and I think it was called that.”

Send your pictures of cricket bats and other cricket stuff in unusual places to king@kingcricket.co.uk. Feel free to put the cricket thing in the unusual place yourself. (In fact please, please, please do. No-one sends us any of those and they’re our favourite ones.)

Daisy and Ged jointly write…

We visited the Middle East Food Market on the Uxbridge Road, by Ealing Common, on the way home from playing tennis.

We went there to buy cucumbers, coriander, hummus and khobez (flatbread). We also impulse-purchased some yummy sesame biscuits.  

On the way out, we spotted this box of cabbages and excitedly set up a spontaneous photo-shoot.

Another customer, seeing our enthusiasm chimed in: “Yes, they are wonderful cabbages. I use the outer leaves to make dolmas (stuffed delicacies) – I think they work better than vine leaves.”

Send your pictures of cricket bats and other cricket stuff in unusual places to king@kingcricket.co.uk. Feel free to put the cricket thing in the unusual place yourself. (In fact please, please, please do. No-one sends us any of those and they’re our favourite ones.)

Mike writes…

While at the excellent Wroxham Miniature Worlds in Norfolk a couple of years ago, when such heady pursuits were possible, I happened upon this curious field setting in the most delightful village surrounds.

Note the rarely seen long stop, in conjunction with the lack of slips and a square leg umpire who clearly enjoys the danger aspect of the game.

Those ludicrously short square boundaries might also pose significant risk to passing trains and automobiles.

There’s no way all match personnel and spectators are crowding into that pavilion, even in non-socially-distanced times. Thoroughly accurate in all other regards, however.

Send your pictures of cricket bats and other cricket stuff in unusual places to king@kingcricket.co.uk. Please feel free to deliberately place the cricket thing in the unusual place yourself.

Bail-out writes…

Difficult financial times are often accompanied by desperate pleas for government subsidy and surprise corporate mergers as old business models struggle to survive. While details of the suggested cricket-tennis tie-up remain elusive, my bet is the branding consultants will prefer the bold and meaty sound of “TENNET” to the hissing and slightly sinister “CRICKIS”.

One suggests the titular surname (and frankly what other name would be required) of the hardest of hard-boiled detectives (probably with a shambolic personal life and a pitch-dark sense of humour), while the other recalls a terrifying breed of flesh-eating insectoid space monsters from a cheap sci-fi movie (probably with shambolic personal lives and a pitch-dark sense of humour). 

The tennet rules committee faces an all-critical equipment choice of hitting implement and spherical target. If this is a merger of equals, rather than a simple takeover, it could have gone one of two ways. The hint the BBC have dropped about the preferred ball suggests tennis players are about to discover their sport has suddenly got a lot, lot harder. Both they and line umpires might need to start thinking about investing in a good box.

If, on the flip side, cricketers are about to get their hands on hitting implements of substantially greater girth, then I doubt I’m the only inept player willing this merger forward. I have certainly found rackets add a certain je ne sais quoi to the “French” and “beach” variants of cricket.

Sudden upheavals are hard to bear and purists will initially baulk at such changes to their beloved sports. But if a preference for purism can be passed along the generations, I have no doubt that after 200 years of further format/kit fiddling, the more cultured among their great-great-great-grandchildren will strike a blow against conformist commercialism by sneaking off to secret pitch-courts for a proper match of “real tennet”, 2020s rules.