Every player wants to go out on a high, but few actually do. Most topple forwards and face-plant when attempting to bow out in style. And that’s what life’s about. You do your best for a bit and then the ending’s probably going to be a little bit of a mess.

Sport is obsessed with great players going out in a blaze of glory; one final flash of genius before they swap their boots for slippers.

But while it can happen, the value of a ‘perfect’ ending is questionable anyway. What might seem like an immaculate full stop generally also brings with it the shadow of a question mark. Perhaps the player in question should have carried on just a little bit longer. And why is the memory of a final match any more significant than memories of all the other matches anyway? It’s all history.

In any case, the greatest final Test has already been and gone, so why bother trying to compete?

Glorious final Tests

Alastair Cook finished with a ton. Jason Gillespie exited with an unlikely double century. Muttiah Muralitharan secured victory and his 800^th Test wicket with his final delivery. Going further back, Vijay Merchant’s final two Test innings were 128 and 154 (albeit five years apart), while Seymour Nurse finished with three hundreds in his last six innings, vacating the stage with 258 against New Zealand.

But none of these are in the same league as Enid Bakewell.

Bakewell won her final Test for England, against the West Indies, after taking 10-75. She made 68 opening the batting in the first innings and made an unbeaten 112 in the second out of a total of 164. That’s 68.29% of the runs, which is more than even Charles Bannerman managed.

As Test performances go, it’s probably the best one.

So raise your hands, concede this one, and just play on. Play on until they’re forced to drag you from the field because you’ve turned into a massive great anchor holding the rest of the team back.

Paul Collingwood averaged 13.83 in his final series, but won the Ashes. That seems a good way to go out. He certainly seemed pretty pleased with it.

Inglorious final Tests

Before we get into this, let’s just quickly address the most immediately obvious final Test downer: Don Bradman’s duck.

To quickly sum up, the Don went into his final Test with an average of over 100 and was bowled second ball, which brought his average down into double figures.

This is, on the face of it, not an especially glorious finish – but think of it in terms of the story and the drama. Don Bradman started and ended this innings as the most consistently successful batter Test cricket has seen and so a duck was an incredibly big deal. Throw in the fact that it prevented him becoming the only player to average over 100 and this is pretty much the most famous innings of all time.

That is, in its own way, going out on a high. A three-figure average would have been an incredible feat, but 99.94 is barely less incredible and packs a far more powerful emotional hit.

1. Adam Voges, Australia

This is how you end on a downer. Briefly, during his innings of 239 against New Zealand in 2016, Adam Voges’ Test average exceeded Bradman’s. Then he was dismissed and over the course of the next half dozen Tests, that average went into a flat spin before concussion in a domestic match provided a timely reason for ejecting him.

Voges finished with a golden duck (at which point Australia were 8-4) and then 2 against South Africa in his 20th and final Test, his average dropping from 67.40 to 61.87 in the process. Australia were bowled out for 85 on the first day and suffered an innings defeat.

> Hot streaks: Test batters who hit a prolonged purple patch

2. Suresh Raina, India

What’s worse than a duck? A pair. Suresh Raina was never the most successful Test batter, but the contrasts in his final match were brutal. After Australia made 572-7 declared, India responded with 475. Australia declared again in the second innings but couldn’t bowl India out.

Raina’s contributions were a golden duck and a duck. His previous innings, against New Zealand, had also been a duck. All in all, he failed to score in five of his final seven innings. This is how to finish a Test career: unequivocally.

> Best of the blobs: Eight of Test cricket’s finest duck-makers

3. Geraint Jones, England

What’s worse than a pair? A pair while losing the Ashes, even though it’s only the third Test. Geraint Jones was picked as England wicketkeeper in large part for his batting, but bowed out with a pair in Perth in 2006, securing it either side of Australia’s 527-5 declared – an innings that included a 57-ball hundred from his opposite number, Adam Gilchrist. Jones was run out by Ricky Ponting in his final innings off a ball where he could quite easily have been given LBW.

4. Simon Katich, Australia

New Zealand’s Chris Martin is pretty much the patron saint of ducks. It was therefore fitting that in his final Test innings he should fall below even his own rock bottom standards by getting run out without even facing a ball. However, given Martin’s record, that wasn’t actually an especially ignominious finish for a man who ultimately went out with five zeros on the trot if you include not outs. You didn’t expect runs from Chris Martin. That most definitely wasn’t what he was there for.

Simon Katich though? He was an opening batter. That gives his final Test diamond duck far greater weight, even if he did go on to make 43 later in the match. Because really you could argue that first innings, first over dismissal shaped the 2010 Adelaide Test and to some extent the series.

Katich was run out by Jonathan Trott off the fourth ball of the match. James Anderson then dismissed Ricky Ponting next ball and Australia’s 245 proved entirely inadequate as England racked up 620-5 en route to an innings victory.

5. Sohag Gazi, Bangladesh

What of the bowlers though? Where a bad final match for a batter is over in the blink of an eye, there is something uniquely grim about the equivalent experience for a Test bowler.

In February 2014, Sohag Gazi went into what would be his final Test having taken 2-207 across his previous two matches. He duly returned figures of 1-181 off 48 overs in the first innings and 1-87 off 18.5 overs in the second. Rather capping things off, on a pitch on which Kumar Sangakkara was able to make 424 runs on his own, Gazi batted once and made a golden duck.

6. Arshad Ayub, India

Gazi did at least take a wicket though. In December 1989, Indian off-spinner Arshad Ayub trunded in for 0-182 from 49 overs against Pakistan. That performance came after returns of 0-81 and 0-37 in his penultimate Test.

7. Chuck Fleetwood-Smith, Australia

As poor final Tests go, Chuck Fleetwood-Smith’s is perhaps the benchmark. His innings figures of 1-298 in England’s 903-7 declared remain the most expensive in Test history.

There’s a dash of batting to throw into the mix too, as you’d expect from a man who supposedly once said, “If you can’t be the best batsman in the world, you might as well be the worst.”

Fleetwood-Smith was the last man dismissed in Australia’s second innings when England secured victory by an innings and 579 runs. He made a duck.

8. Denis Compton

Compton’s final Test was the fifth Test against South Africa at Port Elizabeth in 1957. While he finished his career with an average of over 50, Compton made a two-ball duck in the first innings and 5 in the second innings.

That would be pretty bad in itself, but it was only really in keeping with a much broader downer. Defeat meant a tied series after England had won the first two Tests and drawn the third, and this match in particular was a weird combination of dreariness and farce. The pitch had been relaid with soil from Durban but it hadn’t properly settled and this meant the action was defined by a great many grub-hunters and pea-rollers. This resulted in the slowest Test in history with a scoring at a rate of 1.40 runs per six balls (538 runs from 287.5 eight-ball overs).

A blaze of glory? Denis Compton went out in a blaze of, “Ah stuff this, there must be something better I could be doing with my life.”

We couldn’t write these sorts of features without the priceless gift of time. Actually, not priceless, because the people who are backing our Patreon campaign quite literally buy us the time. You can buy us more time and yourself more King Cricket features here.

Here’s a fact for you: most left-handed batsmen are right-handed.

Okay, we haven’t actually delved into the data to uncover that, so that may not technically be a fact. We’re pretty sure it’s true though. Batting is a thing you do with both hands. Just because cricket calls one stance ‘left-handed’ and the opposite one ‘right-handed’ doesn’t mean much at all really.

No left-hand batsman has scored more Test runs than Alastair Cook. However, if you’ve seen him bowl, you’ll know that Alastair Cook is actually right-handed. (Admittedly, it isn’t entirely clear-cut from watching him bowl, but you have to assume that if he were any better with his left hand, he’d use it.)

Next on the left-handed Test runs list is Kumar Sangakkara, who is right-handed; then Brian Lara, who is right-handed; then Shivnarine Chanderpaul, who is right-handed.

The most successful left-handed Test batsman who is actually left-handed is Allan Border.

The flipside of this is that there are of course left-handed people who have batted ‘right-handed’ in Test cricket and made runs.

The team below comprises only people who are actually left-handed, which is to say we’ve gauged their handedness by their bowling arm. This is a very good but not flawless way of deducing handedness, as you’ll see.

Most of the batsmen are considered ‘right-handers’ and we’re hoping that we get lots of angry comments about this. (That’s the main reason why we didn’t include Border, if we’re honest.)

Sanath Jayasuriya

A disappointing inclusion for two reasons. (1) It now seems like Sanath might be a bit of a wrong ‘un. (2) Unlike everyone else in the top order, he did actually adopt a left-handed stance.

In our defence, we’ve previously stated our fiercely held belief that Sanath the cricketer is an entirely different bloke from Sanath the bloke who failed or refused to co-operate with an anti-corruption investigation.

Also… that cut shot.

Wilfred Rhodes

We will include Wilfred Rhodes in an XI any chance we get. Any cricketer who was picked to bat at both 1 and 11 in a Test team would be worthy of inclusion, even if he didn’t have 58 first-class hundreds and 4,204 first-class wickets to his name.

Most importantly of all, Rhodes was absolutely dynamite when we picked him in Cricket Captain 2018’s All-Time Greats mode. You can’t argue with that. Well, you can, but you should probably find something more productive to do with your time.

Denis Compton

It’s Denis Compton, isn’t it? This is an easy pick.

Did you know that as well as all the runs, Compton also took 25 Test wickets bowling left-arm wrist spin? Four more wickets without conceding another run and we could have classed him as an all-rounder according to the old ‘averages less with the ball than the bat’ criterion (Wilfred Rhodes passes that, by the way).

Michael Clarke

Bit of an arsehole, but he was Lord Megachief of Gold for 2012 so it kind of feels like we have to include him.

Averaged less with the ball than with the bat. All-rounder.

Inzamam-ul-Haq

We made Inzy one of our ‘Kings of Cricket’ for All Out Cricket a few years ago. Rebrands and domain name changes mean those words are now sadly unlinktoable, but the crux of the piece was that we loved his souplesse.

Souplesse is a cycling term which refers to the perfect pedal stroke. It’s a fluid, effortless movement with no wasted motion whatsoever.

Inzamam-ul-Haq did everything required for a perfect shot and nothing more. There was no flourish, no muscularity. Afterwards, it was almost as if nothing had happened at all. Then he’d get run out.

Garry Sobers

Garry Sobers was left-handed, so, um, that’s that really. Garry’s in.

Sarah Taylor, Ian Healy, Matt Prior, Mushfiqur Rahim, Brad Haddin, Quinton De Kock or someone

We’ve stumbled here. In large part because of the nature of the job, we couldn’t find a decent wicketkeeper who bowled with their left hand.

There are people like Adam Gilchrist who batted left-handed and bowled right-handed, but left-handed bowlers who typically wore the gloves proved impossible to identify. Best we could manage was all the people listed in the subheading above who kept wicket but never actually stooped to revealing their preferred handedness by turning their arm over. Any of these players could be left-handed. We’ve no idea.

Wasim Akram

First name on the team sheet. When you think of left-armers, you think of Wasim. Correctly.

Wasim Akram took four hat tricks in international cricket. In March 1999, Sri Lanka were on the receiving end of two in a little over a week. Wasim Akram is a man who can talk about his international hat tricks and have a favourite.

Wasim was a bowling attack in his own right: a new ball bowler, a reverse swing master, a line and length seam bowler and a flat track innovator. He found angles no-one knew existed. He could basically do anything.

Mitchell Johnson or Darren Gough

We imagine you’ve some questions about this selection.

Most of you will be thinking that Johnson bowled with his left-arm and Gough bowled with his right, so why the hell is the Yorkshireman even mentioned? You are absolutely correct. Johnson did indeed bowl with his left arm. But here’s a video of him playing tennis right-handed.

If we’re defining handedness by bowling arm, let’s go with Johnson. However, if we’re going to consider him right-handed on the basis of tennis and autographs, that opens the door for Gough, who plays darts and signs autographs left-handed.

Gough would certainly bring something a little different to the attack.

Derek Underwood or Mitchell Starc

Derek Underwood is one of those cricketers who gets talked about far less than seems fair, given his record.

Deadly played 86 Tests and took 297 wickets at 25.83. That’s a broadly similar record to Bob Willis (90 Tests and 325 wickets at 25.20) in pretty much exactly the same era, yet you almost certainly know a great deal more about Willis than you do about Underwood.

Despite this, we’ve only got Underwood down as a second spinner, which would arguably be an unnecessary role in a side that also contains Rhodes and the multi-faceted Sobers – even if he was a very, very different brand of spinner.

If we were to opt for another pace bowler instead, we’re having Mitchell Starc because he bowls at the stumps as fast as he can and that’s an approach we just fundamentally like.

Rangana Herath

Herath Mudiyanselage Rangana Keerthi Bandara Herath (yes, his name is Herath Herath) seemingly spent 95 per cent of his career only a match or two away from retirement. This stopgap veteran status persisted long enough for him to snare 433 wickets, which is an insanely large number. It’s actually more than Wasim Akram, which is a fact we can’t really wrap our head around.

Thanks to everybody who’s currently funding King Cricket on Patreon. Your pledges help us do features like this. If you’re not currently a King Cricket patron and you’d like to see us to do more with the site, you can flip us a shiny coin or buy us a pint each month here. Don’t feel you have to, but huge thanks if you do.