I Don’t Like Cricket, I Hate It

Welcome to ‘I Don’t Like Cricket, I Hate It,’ our innovative new feature in which we ask someone who hates cricket about cricket.

How do you feel about becoming King Cricket’s largely uninformed cricket correspondent?

Don’t care. I only did it because you said I definitely wouldn’t. Now I’m a bit annoyed because I thought it might be fun but have since realised it’s going to be a pain in the arse. Every time you send an email I’ll be thinking, ‘Oh God, I bet this is about cricket.’

So, ‘bit annoyed’ is the most accurate answer.

We’ve ended up being called King Cricket on the site. Do you want a pseudonym?

Yeah, I don’t want my real name used. You can name me if you can think of anything.

Prince something, Viscount something?

Prince Prefab.

Name a cricketer, Prince Prefab.

I will name all the cricketers I know the names of. No google cheating. Just so you know what you are dealing with.

Beefy, Gower, Atherton, Monty Panesar, Rob Key, Pietersen, Joe Root, Viv Richards, Flintoff, Rodney Redmond, Boris Johnson, Boycott. That’s it.

We’re going to call bullshit on Rodney Redmond. Do you have a favourite cricket memory?

I have two.

My dad trying to teach me to bowl every summer despite the fact I grew worse annually. I once bowled a tennis ball over the roof of the garage after following his detailed instructions on how to bowl overarm. He gave up at that point.

The other one is being taken to watch a local match. He went into the bar after a few overs and brought me out a coke and salt and vinegar French Fries [he means the crisps ]  which I ate on top of a pile of gravel to the side of the pitch (ground?).

My mum drove past after taking my gran home from Saturday tea, saw me and, disgusted with him, took me straight home, leaving him to think I’d been kidnapped.

Good of the local club to provide a pile of gravel to ensure a better vantage point. When did you last watch cricket and was there a gravel seating area?

I watched the winning moment on the news when we won the Ashes a few years ago and they all went to Downing Street the next day and pissed on the flowers in the back garden.

My running route takes me past a cricket pitch and I glance over there during the summer months but either they’re so slow or I’m so fast that by the time I’m past usually nowt has happened.

Should Alex Hales be dropped?

The song he would have playing when he comes out to bat is Don’t You Worry Child by Swedish House Mafia.

Of course he should be dropped.