Match report

Australian cricket match report

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Price writes:

Whilst on a recent jaunt to Australia to a wedding that didn’t happen, I decided to go watch some kind of Australian cricket, which was fraught with difficulty:

Attempt 1

Having researched that there was cricket on my first day in Perth, I duly jetlagged my way through the alarm to discover that the game was already over.

I then went on a tour of the WACA the day after and saw this quite ridiculous motivation nonsense in the home dressing room:

No - focus on your shortcomings and play to those

Attempt 2

There being no more cricket in Perth for the season, I read that there was some kind of Weetabix (Weetbix in Australia) match happening at the MCG. I checked flight prices and my funds only to then be told that there was some bush fire appeal concert being headlined by Coldplay happening on one of the days. I am ashamed to have attended the same university as Coldplay, but proud to have attended the same institution as David Gower.

Attempt 3

I waited as the prices of flights increased until they announced the game was to be at some kind of Oval at some kind of Junction in Melbourne. I arrived on the first morning to this:

Land of eternal sunshine

I sat under cover from the deluge and talked to a man called Len. He had travelled since 7am to get there and he told me about his Filipino wife and his daughter who didn’t like cricket. He offered me a minty which I declined. Then play was abandoned.

Attempt 4

I returned on the second day (entry was free with a travelcard) and wished I’d brought more clothing with me to Australia. I tried to find Len, but disappointingly he wasn’t there. I was also disappointed to discover that Darren Pattinson wasn’t playing. It disappointingly started to rain at 1pm. As I sat there, disappointed and cold, I realised that it sure as hell beat being at work.

Send your match reports that on no account mention the cricket to king@kingcricket.co.uk

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12 comments

  3. A moral tale indeed for intrepid English folk braving the inclemency of Australian weather to try and catch cricket in between the heavy showers.

    What’s a minty?

  4. Best report on Victoria winning the Shield final I’ve read.

    A minty is, well its like, it is sort of, they’re a lolly, they’re white, they’re hard, and you chew them. They taste, wait for it, minty.

  5. Sorry Jrod. I just presumed it was something alcoholic. I spent 6 months in Aus and never had anything that wasn’t acoholic

  6. You’re making these match reports a bit of a habit aren’t you Price, although the word cricket is used quite a few times.

    Sam and D Charlton. I have it on good authority that the cancelled wedding had been cancelled on more than one occasion previously. Not sure i’d have spent thousands of pounds on a trip to Oz in the knowledge that the intended outcome of the journey would probably not happen.

  7. I think the problem you have encountered is that you went to these stadia with the objective of watching cricket. Had you instead planned on getting drunk, turning bright red and being gifted with sweeties by old men, then you could have enjoyed a much more successful trip.

  8. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, Price! tell us about the CANCELLED WEDDING!!! I was unable to take in a single word of the report beyond the words “a wedding that didn’t happen”!

  9. Perhaps Price is one of those people whose very presence ensures that the main thing that was supposed to happen doesn’t happen.

    A bit like that movie The Medusa Touch. Let me describe that movie to you. The protagonist………

  10. The wedding was between a friend of mine an an australian chap, which was called off a week before I left. Luckily i’d arranged a month of work, so it was a worthwhile trip to the other side of the planet.

    It may well turn out to be a wedding postponement as they are still together and there is talk of a wedding much closer to home. I hope this coincides with cricket watching too.

  11. Oh, and I thought a Minty was just an odd way of an australian saying mint, till I discovered a packet of minty’s in a service station.

    I ate them all in an hour

    It made me feel sick

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