Get rid of the toss altogether.

Visiting team gets to decide whether they want to bat or bowl first in the first test, and you alternate from then on. Home team decides what ball to use in the first test, and again you alternate for any further tests.

Even if the ball thing doesn’t happen, I still think this would be a good way to get rid of the toss altogether.

‘cos cricket needs more totally illogical rules to entice women, kids, frogs and all the other people who aren’t (according to the ECB) capable of understanding that the ball pitched outside leg stump, so the batsman can’t be out. Maybe they could put a selection of balls in a bran-tub then have the away captain select the ball that isn’t the one they use.

Cricket isn’t all that broken. More free school tickets to county matches would enhance the game. If they want to go for a city based franchise, then mixed sex cricket would enhance the Woman’s game.

Just get a bloody grip. You don’t need fireworks or ladies dancing or that stupid trumpet noise. I threw a brand spanking new phone against a corrugated shed when Ben Stokes was winning the world cup. I stopped on the hard shoulder of the M6, and got told off by the police, when the same ginger headed tosspiece was refusing to take singles during a testmatch in Leeds.

Cricket is good. It really is very good. It’s why we’re all here. Market it better.

You play the same County Championship matches with identical teams and conditions in two parallel universes – in one of those universes the matches are played with The Duke, in the other universe the matches are played with The Kookaburra.

Bert is a scientific sort of chap. I nominate Bert to conduct the experiment and report back on its findings.

It’s madness, of course, but imagine the tactical angle….