County cricket / Match report

CB40 Final match report

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Summer sport

Sam writes:

Saturday morning, late September
Cut price tickets through a friend who is a member
South West Trains and then the Bakerloo
Tesco express for a beer or two

First to the Tavern, then to the Warner
Down to the toilets with a window in the corner
Through which you can look and what sights you can see
While you’re standing with the other members doing a wee

Forgot the suncream, didn’t bring a hat
The Somerset fans love to have a chat
Shut up will you please, the teams are on their way
It’s the last game of the season – Lord’s cup final day.

Opening with a spinner? What a novel thought
Davies gets a stumping and Kieswetter is caught
Crack open the sea salt crisps, this might not last for long
I thought it would be closer, looks like I might be wrong

But wait, look, here’s Jos Buttler – what a funny name
He might be only 21 but he plays a cracking game
He scoops it over fine leg, he cracks another four
What a super innings, you couldn’t ask for more.

We started up a sweepstake on how many they’d get
I’m not a gambling man but I thought I’d have a bet
Turns out my guess was closest, which made me warm inside
And I treated all the losers to a pint of London Pride

Some sort of rain monster

Sandwiches at half-time, couldn’t find a bin
Over on the Nursery Ground you could meet Steven Finn
But here they come again and now it’s going to rain
How a bit of water can cause us so much pain

We did a little circuit to keep from getting bored
And soon found out that one of us was taller than Stuart Broad
Then Duckworth and Lewis came along – are they even real?
By this stage we’d all had a few and didn’t know how to feel

In your face, Stuart 'shortarse' Broad

So in the end it finished with a strangely muted tone
Surrey seemed quite happy and we headed quickly home
Soggy and out of pocket, but at least we could say
That was the last game of the season – Lord’s cup final day.

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13 comments

  2. Magnificent Sam. Proper poetry that rhymes!

    Is it just me or is the 2″ between 6’5″ and 6’7″ a rather long 2″? Or is this the “forshortening effect” which commentators assure us with great confidence and little explantion is the reason why fielders always look like fibbing cads when low catches are reviewed?

    1. I don’t think it was an exact science.

      That’s not me in that photo by the way, readers. I could only dream of being quite so tall.

  3. Bloody marvellous. Well done. It reminded me of that poem about trains by Auden. You know the one, that one by Auden. Yes, that’s it.

    But wait, before you get all smug about your poem, I’ve
    noticed something deeply wrong with verses four and five.
    No matter how adroitly you have put it into rhyme,
    mentioning the cricket is a most offensive crime.
    And though your versifying offers you some exculpation,
    I rather think D Charlton will hand out a discardation.
    The readers here don’t take too well to reportage affronts.
    They really are a shocking bunch of unforbearing people.

    1. It’s true that he mentioned the game
      But that’d be a reason too lame
      To reject an exquisite rhyme
      That, with the passage of time
      Will ensure match reports are never again the same.

  5. In spite of this being a blatant breach of the rules for match reports, I liked it.
    KC, you need to amend the rules. Not for all prose, just the stuff that isn’t crap.

  6. changing the rules for one match report? what’s next? changing the rules to allowing increased bending of the elbow in the bowling action?

  8. As a member of the cricket police, I regretfully discard you Sam. It’s brutal but Law is Law. Top effort, despite discardation.

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