I genuinely misread that as “avoid bouncing a hooker” which I’m sure was within the bounds of his capabilities.

You’re not wrong.

When is the next one-day series?

Lunch will be haggis, or black pudding, I’ve not decided yet. But it will be offal.

Surely the hope is that if Roy were not opening, we wouldn’t be 34-4 quite as often.

I wonder if Roy would play any differently if he were to come in at, say, oh I don’t know, maybe 34-4?

Dear Sam

Thank you for your letter. Roy was selected to open the batting via a rigorous process. He had to sing Amarillo to four people with their backs to him, after which he was made to live in the jungle with Katie Price and Lionel Blair. As a result of eating seven wood lice, he then went through to the final selection phase, in which he was able to cross a lake by bouncing on massive red balls.

Anticipating your next letter, Rory Burns was asked to avoid hooking a bouncer, which he did, once.

Why did Sir Alastair retire again? He can’t have been worried his place was under pressure.