UK considering military action in wake of Stokes dismissal

David Cameron has not ruled out bombing raids against Australia in response to Ben Stokes being given out obstructing the field in the first one-day international. However, the UK Prime Minister says that a large-scale deployment of ground troops is unlikely. “Maybe if it had been a mankad and they hadn’t warned him,” he explained.

Tensions have been rising between the two nations ever since it became apparent that there was a fundamental difference of opinion about whether Stokes was out or not. The issue has now become a major stumbling block in ongoing peace talks.

In response to Cameron’s threat, Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott is quoted as saying: “Bring it on. I think I speak for all Australians when I say we’d love an opportunity to wage war against the UK.”

Abbott said that one of the great motivations for conflict would be an opportunity to ‘win the Queen’.

“You can keep Sam Robson, but that woman is a hallowed symbol of mateship, the Baggy Green culture, kangaroos and all the other stuff that makes Australia Australian. Just as soon as we’ve all finished sitting around sipping our flat whites and shaving off our body hair, we’re going to hit you. Hard.”

David Cameron has not been available to give a response, because he’s been too busy doing something barbarically posh – suffocating fox cubs with his special tweed smothering rag before throwing their corpses at poor people or summat.