It’s almost time to start looking ahead to the Ashes again, but before we get back to that, let’s first look back on the Ashes. Specifically, let’s look back on ‘looking ahead to the Ashes’ by revisiting our 10 things to watch out for from before the series, so that you can all see how massively wrong we were about absolutely all of them on account of being an idiot.

To recap, the 10 things we advised you to watch out for were…

1. Suggestions that this could be as good as the 2005 Ashes
2. Ollie Robinson’s wicket celebration
3. David Warner being either rubbish or not rubbish at cricket
4. James Anderson’s opening spell
5. James Anderson losing his rag at something
6. Travis Head’s head
7. England’s openers
8. “Doctored pitches”
9. Ben Stokes’ bowling
10. Michael Neser

Of those, we can skip over Michael Neser and (utterly bizarrely) doctored pitches too, because somehow neither featured. We also have very little more to say about suggestions the series could be as good as the 2005 Ashes. In some ways it was better, but mostly it wasn’t for the reasons we outlined previously.

Ollie Robinson’s wicket celebration was witnessed 10 times. Australian batters repeatedly fell victim to his 124kph nude nuts in the first half of the series, but then he had one of his now-traditional Ashes back spasms and England didn’t dare pick him again. The end result was another disappointing series for Robinson in which he averaged the same as Stuart Broad and was the most economical bowler on either side.

Or should we say equal most economical bowler? (Yes, we should.) James Anderson’s opening spells were characterised not so much by mastercraftsmanship and cascading wickets as rucks and rucks of dot balls. He bowled okay, but on this occasion neither batters nor spectators were blown away. Nor did we really get to see Jimmy losing his rag at something. He mostly had the confused, slightly downbeat air of a man who had misplaced his rag a while ago and was no longer sure of its whereabouts.

David Warner being either rubbish or not rubbish at cricket is a harder one to assess. Warner averaged 26.04 in England at the start of the series with zero hundreds to his name. He then averaged 28.50 across the series and still didn’t reach three figures. He was quite resolute at times, which we suppose is not rubbish, but there were definitely rubbish bits too.

England’s openers by contrast certainly were worth watching – so much so that we’re working on a whole separate article about them, so let’s leave this at that for now.

Before we finish with the big one, we first have to acknowledge what happened with Ben Stokes’ bowling. “Anyone who’s seen The Prestige will know that some tricks are performed at a cost,” we wrote at the start of the series. “It feels like every time Ben Stokes bowls an over, another chunk of his cricket career dies.” England’s captain bowled 14 overs in the first Test; picked four right-arm fast-medium seamers to bowl ahead of himself in the second; and gave up all pretence of being an all-rounder by the third.

We’ll tell you what was still going strong at the end of the series though – the ‘tache that is the magnificent central feature of Travis Head’s head. Well, we say ‘still going strong’ but what we actually mean is ‘going strong again’ because our man had a full shave mid-series.

This unexpected development confirmed our suspicion that Head has Homer Simpson facial hair, because within a day he was looking stubbly and dishevelled and within a week he was sporting the full mo’ again. Performance of the series, really. Well played, Travis Head.

> The Travis Head look is complete

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The 2023 Ashes has sogged and then at the last moment unexpectedly fizzled to its conclusion. With five Tests in 46 days, immediately following on from the World Test Championship final, it’s been a lot to take in. What do you actually remember of it?

The series itself resulted in a 2-2 Ashes retention for Australia. This seems to us no more or less fair an outcome than several alternative scorelines. We’d quibble with a 5-0 to either side, but anything between 3-1 for one side and 3-1 for the other wouldn’t have felt too colossal a miscarriage of justice. England’s dominant moments were obviously far more striking, but that perhaps distracts from the fact Australia had plenty of their own.

What would have been a fair result? What’s fairness got to do with anything? It was 2-2 and that’s that.

The overall feel

We have a strong desire to describe this as “a series of three halves” in a nod to a Kevin Keegan quote which we’ve just discovered is not actually a Kevin Keegan quote at all – it just sounds like one. (There are so many great Keegan quotes but “I’d love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room” never fails to make us smirk.)

Australia were robust and professional in the first half; England were a mad, scary batting typhoon in the middle half; and then the third and final half at first looked like it was kind of dribbling out thanks to what is always referred to as “the Manchester weather” and then subsequently what is for some reason never described as “the London weather“. However, a ball change and a break in the clouds ultimately delivered what was really the first batting collapse of the series right at the finish.

Maybe that final session was a fourth and much smaller half. If it feels like the fractions are out of control at this point, maybe the total is still right. It certainly felt like two misshapen series squeezed into one.

The specifics

Anyway, the five Tests. And again we’ll ask, what do you actually remember?

Off the top of our head, Edgbaston gave us Ben Stokes’ first innings declaration and Pat Cummins’ admirable and feisty effort with the bat in Australia’s run-chase.

Lord‘s had Stokes’ in-defiance-of-reason second innings 155 and we’re honestly not sure what else without going and looking it up. Oh no, wait, we remember – it was the Test of a trillion bouncers. And that long-range stumping thing.

We’ll always remember Headingley for Mark Wood’s perfect arrival in the series and then, even though it was only three weeks ago, we already have only a hazier memory of Harry Brook marshalling England’s chase in the final innings before Wood and Chris Woakes finished the job.

Old Trafford was obviously Zak Crawley flaying Australia’s bowlers here there and everywhere before Jonny Bairstow did much the same, all culminating in a bit of a fizzle-out.

Finally, The Oval was this week and somehow we’ve already forgotten the first innings. Was it Harry Brook again? After that, the match was obviously noteworthy for Stuart Broad’s final shot, his bail-swapping shenanigans and then his last ball in Test cricket deciding the final scoreline – all of which rather drew the spotlight away from Chris Woakes.

It has been a rapid and dizzying series. Gelatinous new memories have been squidged out by even newer ones before they’ve had chance to crystallise. So we ask you yet again: what do you actually remember?

The series is over, but the pace of this series means we’ve still got quite a bit of catching up to do. You can therefore expect a fair bit more Ashes stuff from us in the next week or two. Sign up for the email here and get free tickets for the dissection, you ghoul.

It’s a weird feature of cricket that you can go out in style but then still carry on playing for the whole of the rest of the day and probably a good chunk of the next day as well. Stuart Broad ended his batting career gloriously.

Never mind the artifice of the guard of honour, the key detail was that we got to see the greatest batter the game has ever seen play his finest shot one last time. Not only that, but James Anderson then seized the moment and promptly got himself out so that it also proved to be the final ball he faced in Test cricket.

On this occasion the Stuart Broad hook shot went for six, but it would have been just as appropriate if he’d been caught out after utterly skying it. Therein lies the brilliance of what has been the ultimate six-or-out shot and also the purest distillation of Broad’s particular brand of nonsense-brilliance.

Night-night, Nighthawk.

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It’s quite possible you didn’t. He only scored nine of them in 82 balls after all.

You have options in Test cricket. You can choose how you go about things. We would argue that England’s hare approach to batting at the minute is actually a lot more interesting for being pitted against Australia’s tortoise method. Contrast is important. Even the three founders of Freebass made sure they used different parts of the fretboard.

If both teams take the helter skelter shotmaking route, the game becomes hare v hare, best hare wins. That to us is less of a thing than an inter-species race which allows you to compare methodology as well as ability. Who cares which hare’s faster. Show us some different animals!

So it was that Australia – whether deliberately or because of some sort of inactivity virus sweeping through the camp – set about putting overs into the English bowlers’ legs.

Earlier this series, Mark Butcher made a comment about how many wickets Stuart Broad had “in his legs”. Up until this point we had no idea a bowler’s legs also contained wickets. We had always understood them to be purely receptacles for overs. Given the absence of Moeen Ali and the age and records of the various members of England’s attack, Australia’s method made sense. There simply can’t be much room for many more overs in those English seamers’ legs.

So it was that Marnus Labuschagne batted like a delivery sponge, passively absorbing ball after ball, looking for all the world like a man who didn’t know where he was or why.

If anything, it brought to mind one of those late era freediving MS Dhoni innings where he’d take a one-day innings ever deeper but never actually feel moved to make an attempt to surface again.

There was the time he stalked England and never actually pounced. There was the time he stood around and watched his batting partners beat Australia without ever quite feeling moved to step in and help. And there was the time he forgot to blink when the required run rate got away from him against New Zealand in the World Cup.

Marnus blinked when Stuart Broad swapped his bails round, edging the next delivery to where Joe Root’s hand would somehow eventually be.

Further reading: Is Stuart Broad the most annoying cricketer there’s ever been?

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It’s late July and that of course means the end of the Test summer. With no more England men’s fixtures scheduled until the tour of India from the end of January 2024, you should probably try and make the most of the Oval Test. The nights are drawing in, as Prince Prefab messaged to tell us at exactly one minute past midnight on June 22.

Like all the most enjoyable things in life, it’s good to really hurry through a Test series and just get it over with. This one began less than six weeks ago, which is why we’ll again ask just how much of Pat Cummins will truly be appearing in this Test. Pat reckons he’s fine, but while he was physically present for the last match, he often looked like a hollow-eyed golem, dutifully trying to perform its cricket-ball-stopping obligations with clumsy clay arms.

Ben Stokes must be smouldering towards ash too. It’s been a heated month for a captain who previously burnt out while trying to fulfil his various cricketeting responsibilities, resulting in a spell out of the game. His influence with the ball is waning in particular. Short of bowling for the first Test at Lord’s, he was overbowled by the second and hasn’t turned his arm over since. As forecast in our list of 10 things to watch out for during this Ashes, Stokes is only really an all-rounder by reputation these days, not in any practical sense.

So giddy up for one last push, lads – and don’t be surprised if late-comers like Chris Woakes and Mitch Marsh have a big say in how the match pans out. The likes of Marnus Labuschagne, Jonny Bairstow and Zak Crawley – who are not coincidentally all batters – seem to have paced themselves pretty well too.

Let’s now have a word with Rick Dangerous to see what we might expect from the Oval surface these next few days.

Rick Dangerous says…

In my experience, you learn something important every time you revisit a given place. First time you go there, obviously you get crushed by a boulder. Waaaargh. Second time you go, you avoid the boulder but accidentally drop down onto some spikes that you didn’t know were there. Waaaargh. Third time you go, you avoid the boulder and the spikes and get killed in some other mystifying way. But this is how we learn: through being crushed by boulders and impaled on spikes.

Fortunately, a great many Test matches have been played at the Oval, so we already have a good bank of knowledge and a decent idea what to expect. Weirdly, the ground features zero boulders and zero hidden spikes.

Even more weirdly, both England and Australia won their most recent Test matches there. England skittered to a three-day win over South Africa last September after the first two days were abandoned. (Day one was a wash-out. Day two was a loss-of-monarch thing – although it would have been another wash-out even without that). Australia then beat India there in the World Test Championship final a month or so ago.

It’s hard to know what to conclude from those two results. Neither England nor South Africa reached 200 in the first game – although the home team definitely would have got there if 130-1 hadn’t been enough for victory in their second innings. (Zak Crawley made 69 not out off 57 balls.) In contrast, the World Test Championship final saw Australia make 469 batting first with totals tailing off a bit after that.

All 31 wickets fell to seam in the England game, while nine out of 38 fell to spin in the Australia game.

The three Tests prior to that also all involved England, India and Australia – because honestly, why play anyone else?

In all three of these matches, the highest total came in the winning team’s second innings. It’s perhaps also worth highlighting that in the last Ashes Test here, half of the second innings wickets fell to spin.

A greater unknown is of course the weather. At the time of writing, it looks like we might get the odd interruption, but as long as both teams keep their eyes peeled for concealed flamethrowers and stuff like that, we should get pretty much a full game. Waaaargh.

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It was only one innings, but two Zak Crawleys batted at Old Trafford last week. The first was what we call in these parts “a jousey bastard” who cemented his reputation as the most gifted inside-edger in world cricket. The second was an almighty destroyer of worlds who flickered into existence and displaced the other guy completely from about 70 runs onwards, laying waste to the Australia “attack” in frighteningly untroubled fashion. That second chunk of innings was really quite something and it was followed by a similar assault from Jonny Bairstow – but given the match ended in a draw, do these innings actually matter?

Before we get to that, it’s worth pointing out that Australia didn’t retain the Ashes by being very much on the receiving end of a bruising, rain-affected draw. This was just the particular match when England ran out of time to catch up with them.

Because really both teams did a hell of a lot to mitigate the impact of bad weather in the fourth Test. England winkled Australia out for an underwhelming score in the first innings and then batted with almost unprecedented haste. Australia, however, were even further ahead, having very cannily won the first two Tests of the series. (Smart move, Australia.)

The 2-1 scoreline of course means that the Ashes are ‘retained’ even if the series can still be drawn. Given that England gave the Australia bowlers the kind of runaround they’ve rarely if ever had to endure before in this Test, all of that action begs a question: What’s important here? The Ashes, the scoreline or the memories?

The Ashes, the scoreline or the memories?

It’s the first one really, but the other elements do have the potential to massively enhance or massive diminish what winning (or retaining) the Ashes actually means.

In short, it’s not just about winning. It’s how you win and who you beat.

As just a quick example, compare and contrast the 2005 Ashes with the 2009 Ashes.

The former was a 2-1 England win over an incredible collection of all-time greats who’d contributed to Australia winning eight series in a row. The latter was a 2-1 England win in which Ben Hilfenhaus was the top wicket-taker.

That’s a little reductive because the 2009 series certainly had its moments (why not have a listen to the Ridiculous Ashes and revisit some of them). We do feel it reflects a fundamental truth though: Not all Ashes series are equal. Not all 2-1 victories are equal. The things that make them unequal are important too.

So while the 2023 Ashes are no longer up for grabs, we’d argue that the far more significant prize of ‘bragging rights’ remains unclaimed.

As such, Zak Crawley’s 189 off 182 balls and Jonny Bairstow’s 99 not out off 81 balls do matter because they are eminently bragworthy. We can’t remember Australia ever looking quite so fast-medium in the field as they did for much of this match.

2-1, 3-1 or 2-2?

But yeah, the Ashes cannot be won. That is kind of important. And England will feel frustrated as it has felt like Australia have been slowly cracking, only to hold out just long enough thanks to the British weather.

Whatever the eventual scoreline in this series, both teams have also been pitted against the schedule. Pat Cummins’ battery in particular looks like it’s being sustained by emergency five-minute charges during every break in play. This is hardly surprising. He’s just led his team through five Tests in six and a half weeks and bowled his oversized heart out in each and every one.

For their part, England knew none of their quick bowlers could make it through the whole series so they’ve chopped and changed and didn’t even get round to letting Mark Wood loose until they were already 2-0 down.

In short, the Test season has been condensed into one long, brutal, attritional ultramarathon. Some will gripe at The Hundred’s clear August window at this point, but this is basically the way they schedule Test series nowadays anyway.

It adds an interesting endurance dynamic to proceedings, but we do feel for the players shouldering the greatest physical and psychological burdens. The final Test starts on Thursday. Imagine the state of some of these guys if they hadn’t missed a day and a bit thanks to rain.

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Send your match reports to king@kingcricket.co.uk. We’re only really interested in your own experience, so if it’s a professional match, on no account mention the cricket itself. (But if it’s an amateur match, feel free to go into excruciating detail.)

Our eternal lack of enthusiasm for doing absolutely anything before a stipulated time or date meant there were only about nine tickets left for the Old Trafford Ashes Test by the time we got round to ordering. This meant that we ended up near the top of the temporary stand.

Old Trafford has had a recurring temporary stand for many years. It is currently on the south side of the ground, square on to the wicket, but it used to materialise one step anti-clockwise where there is now a permanent two-tier stand. The two-tier stand also used to be one step anti-clockwise, on the east side of the ground, square on to the action before the pitch was rotated 90 degrees. (Or at least we think it was. It can be surprisingly hard to maintain your bearings at Old Trafford given all the moving of stands and pitches.)

In recent years, the temporary stand seems to have grown larger and more terrifying, as you can see in this photo by friend of the site, Adam Collins.

Before we got to the temporary stand, we of course first had to park. We aimed for the nearby school which always offers match day parking.

Upon arrival, we realised that the school doesn’t in fact always offer match day parking, because sometimes – such as on a Wednesday – it is a school.

We therefore instead manoevred our way to Kings Road on the other side of the tram tracks to park near Morrissey’s old house. There is quite a lot of permit-only parking in this area, so Special Correspondent Mum knocked on someone’s door to double-check we were okay to leave our car outside their house. The man who answered not only said it was fine, he then rather unexpectedly offered to drive us the short distance to the ground. We felt this was a kindness too far and politely declined.

Arriving at the ground and ascending to our designated spots for the day, it was hard not to notice that the distance between amenities and seats was large and the journey steep. This is something you’ll want to factor into your match-watching behaviour. There are no quick toilet trips from the top of the temporary stand. Rush down to the bar at a break in play and you’ll inevitably end up at the back of the queue. The name of the game is consolidation. Never acquire more liquids to go in without first taking care of the liquids that need to go out during the same sortie.

We’re not sure the lads in front abided by this simple rule. One in particular adopted our “repeat until funny” mantra, deploying the phrase, “It doesn’t get any easier,” each and every time he returned.

On the plus side, the top of the temporary stand is quite a good vantage point from which to monitor queue lengths.

More distractingly, it is also a good vantage point from which to identify hills you know or houses you’ve lived in.

“I think that’s Croker Hill. And then that one’s Shutlingsloe – “The Matterhorn of Cheshire.” And then, oh what was that? Is he out?”

A certain amount of cricket was also missed while standing in the incredibly long queue at the sole cask ale tent where many an admiring glance or comment was again drawn by The Device.

The sole cask ale tent was so insanely popular, it was no surprise to see a sign in place warning would-be customers that it was going to inexplicably close for the day at the tea break.

We felt double lucky that we got to spend £6.60 a pint there because while walking towards it we were PHYSICALLY MANHANDLED ASIDE BY GLENN MCGRATH AND NARROWLY AVOIDED DEATH.

“Sorry mate,” the beanpole seamer hissed in our ear as he BRUTALLY PALMED US ASIDE by applying modest pressure to our upper arm while clearly late for a commentary stint. Fortunately, we remained upright and promptly went and spent a small fortune on beer while we still could.

Coincidentally, at that very same moment at the opposite side of the ground, Special Correspondent Tim was saying hello to a passing Moeen Ali and getting a nod in return. These twin encounters highlight the innate decency of England players versus the innate awfulness of the Australians.

As inevitably as empty pint pots follow full ones, the afternoon session brought the first beer snakes. Recent player comments about “northern crowds” has made us wonder whether all of our readers know the ins and outs of beer snake culture – such as the fact that these slithering sticky beasts have at least two songs devoted to them.

There is of course the classic, percussive chant: “Feed. The. Snake… Feed. The. Snake…”

But there is also the more melodic: “Feeeed the snake. Feeeed the snake. Feeeed the snake and he will grow,” which we rather like. (The beer snake’s preferred pronoun is ‘he’. We would be interested to know whether beer snakes at women’s matches are ‘she’. Perhaps someone could look into this for us.)

It was from around this point onwards that we were struck by another advantage of being very high up in the temporary stand. The higher you are, the fewer empties there are behind you to be flung over or into your head.

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England and Australia have arrived in Manchester for the last northern Ashes Test until 2031. The tourists lead 2-1, but fatigue is starting to tell for both teams. What can we expect in the week ahead?

Pat Cummins has bowled 140 overs in the last six weeks, and may conceivably have sat this match out had his team taken the Headingley Test and therefore the series.

37-year-old Stuart Broad, meanwhile, has bowled 149 overs since the start of June. Other than those two, the only other seam bowler to have played in all three Ashes Tests is Ollie Robinson. He sat out the Ireland Test, but he’s got through 102 overs since then. It looks like his back may not allow him to add to that tally.

But it’s not just the quick bowlers who are suffering. Ben Stokes’ body is basically being held together by an ever-expanding exoskeleton of orthopaedic braces and bandages, while questions remain about Jonny Bairstow’s mobility behind the stumps.

“Questions remain” is the diplomatic way of putting it. Bairstow has looked like a man coming back from breaking his leg in three places and also dislocating his ankle. He’s actually moving quite well considering exactly that happened less than a year ago, but it’s fair to say he hasn’t looked the keeper he was. Maybe he’ll have loosened up a bit after a week off.

The batters from both sides are basically fine because they’re only batters and therefore don’t really do anything.

So onto conditions. We thought the smart thing to do would be to ask Private First Class William Hudson of the United States Colonial Marine Corps for his take on how the Old Trafford pitch might play this week.

Private Hudson says…

Hey, maybe you haven’t been keeping up on current events, but Australia just got their asses kicked. That doesn’t make England a squad of ultimate badasses though. They’re still 2-1 down. It’s a must-win game for them, so what can we expect from the Old Trafford pitch?

We’re entering North-West England’s rainy season now, but Old Trafford pitches do tend to be hard and fast at this time of year after being sun-scorched throughout May and June. This year was hot as hell – and it was a dry heat too.

The thinking has therefore always been that Old Trafford is the UK pitch that most favours faster bowlers and spinners. Does that hold up though in recent times? Let’s take a look at the last few Test matches played here.

Last year England famously beat South Africa by an innings after losing the first match of that series at Lord’s.

In South Africa’s first innings, all 10 wickets were either edges or LBWs and nine were taken by fast-medium bowlers. The good length ball was king and England also lost three wickets to such deliveries before the end of day one.

However, after the first hour of day two, the game changed. Bens Stokes and Foakes put on 173 off 324 balls. The question after that was whether England’s first innings bowling method would work again. It did. South Africa were bowled out for 179, all 10 wickets falling to fast-medium bowlers, nine of them to length balls.

It’s perhaps also worth highlighting that despite the low score, South Africa did reach the second new ball in this innings. They then lost their last five wickets to it in barely five overs. That shiny new nut isn’t to be wasted, people.

Going further back, it’s a bit harder to draw firm conclusions from 2020 as three Tests were played at the ground in not much more than three weeks. The stats say that Stuart Broad (22 wickets at 12.09) and Chris Woakes (15 wickets at 15.80) were the most successful bowlers and Ben Stokes also chipped in with five at 14.00. It’s therefore something of a surprise to see that James Anderson only took three at 47.66 – albeit he only played two of the matches.

So on the face of it, it’s a similar story. Jofra Archer’s five wickets at 36.40 seems a fairly nondescript return for a faster bowler, while Dom Bess’s five wickets at 48.00 is significantly worse. But then the touring spinners did actually fare pretty well. Roston Chase took eight wickets at 33.62 for the West Indies across two Tests, while Yasir Shah took eight wickets at 20.62 for Pakistan in their one Test.

The match before that was the fourth Test in the 2019 Ashes, which Australia won by 185 runs. Pat Cummins, Mitchell Starc and Josh Hazlewood were their seamers. Nathan Lyon contributed just two wickets, both in the second innings: Joe Denly for a dentury and then Archer.

Again, the wickets taken by both teams were overwhelmingly bowleds, LBWs or catches by the keeper and in the cordon. One noteworthy exception was Steve Smith who was caught at backward point from a reverse sweep for 211.

All in all, I’d have to say that close catching is likely to be vital this week. You simply do not want to be shelling any nicks. If chances start going down, that’s it, man… Game over, man. Game over.

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The lead image up top is by Mark Stuckey via Unsplash.

Billed as “a deep dive into one of the fiercest rivalries in sport,” How to Win the Ashes is available now on the BBC iPlayer. Regular King Cricket contributor Sam Blackledge has had a watch. This is his take on it.

Documentaries like this are not really aimed at people like us. We already know the story, and barring exclusive behind-the-scenes footage or surprising revelations, they can appear rather formulaic.

Such is the case with the BBC’s new hour-long special, timed to appeal to the masses ahead of and during the broadcaster’s free-to-air TV coverage of the oh wait. 

First, a history lesson. There’s Harold Larwood in black and white, bouncing the shit out of the Aussies in 1932; there’s Botham, sepia-toned armpits, running from the Headingley field, stump in hand; Flintoff, McGrath, Pietersen, Warne; all fighting over, in Joe Root’s words, ‘a little pot of dust’.

The film tells the modern day story of The Ashes by focusing on four series: 2005; 2010-11; 2013-14; and 2019. 

Other just as dramatic and plot-filled series, such as 2006-07, 2009 and 2015, are completely ignored. 

The camera angles are, as is the fashion these days, jaunty. Key contributors sit at the end of a long varnished wooden table in the Lord’s pavilion, water bottles by their side. 

Greg James is in a cinema. Melinda Farrell in an uncomfortable-looking leather armchair. Simon Jones appears to be in some sort of art deco cafe, all floral print cushions and high barstools.

For some unfathomable reason, old TV sets are positioned in the middle of city streets, playing clips of interviews or wickets from years gone by. 

When Alastair Cook pops up, pink cheeks glowing, eyelashes fluttering, it’s yet another reminder that he really seems to struggle with speaking English. At one point he says, with not a hint of irony, “Words are so easy, aren’t they?”

Poor old Michael Carberry comes off pretty well, speaking of the joy of fulfilling a lifelong dream and the human pain of being discarded, never to play for his country again. 

Other highlights include Geoff Lemon’s hair; Ben Stokes’ steely-eyed passive-aggressive response to the simplest of questions; and Auntie’s bleep machine working overtime to obscure naughty Michael Clarke telling Jimmy Anderson to ‘Get ready for a broken fucken arm.’ Dear Points of View, etc and so on. 

We’ve seen all of this before, from both English and Australian perspectives in The Test and The Edge. But it’s a nice way to whet the appetite, and is bound to generate some added interest in the BBC’s free-to-air TV coverage of the oh wait. 

• 10 important questions after watching the trailer for England documentary ‘The Edge’
• Let’s rate the ‘serious face’ of every England player in the trailer for The Edge

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Bad shots are bad shots, but in an age when the dumbest moments are endlessly replayed and dissected, it’s important to at least try and take in the bigger picture. A batter who sometimes plays the wrong shot is nowhere near as bad as a batter who’s always worrying about playing the wrong shot.

All the highfalutin talk about Ben Stokes’ England team rewriting Test cricket and boldly startrekking where no cricketers have ever startrekked before rather masks the fact that the biggest gain from their change in attitude has been that it allows for basic everyday competence with the bat.

Incredible pyrotechnic run chases and 500 in a day are great and memorable and all, but erasing the regular sub-100 catastrophes has been every bit as helpful. England were bowled out for double-digit scores five times between the start of 2019 and when Stokes took over as captain in June last year, but not once since. That period also featured 10 team totals between 100 and 150. There have been only two since – one of which was the first innings of Stokes’ first match in charge when some of the side may not yet have arrived on the same page as him.

Two ways batters get out

Many fans and pundits hear Brendon McCullum’s obvious reluctance to criticise batters for numbnuts shots that got them out and they think, “Oh these guys can get away with anything. Someone needs to tell them.”

You know what? Professional batters who get out to numbnuts shots don’t generally need to be told. They were batting and then they had to stop batting and the thing that brought about that change was a numbnuts thing they did. If your job is being great at batting, you’ll most likely notice a detail like that. You may even dwell on it to an unhealthy extent.

That is only one way batters get out though. Another way batters get out is they half-play a shot they aren’t entirely sure about. Half-played indecisive shots don’t tend to make good, clean contact with 90mph deliveries arcing through the air and/or skewing a degree or two off the pitch.

Furthermore, you don’t actually need to be caught very precisely midway between two different shot options to miss or mishit something. You can be 60, 70, 80 or 90% sure you’re doing the right thing and that niggling, self-sabotaging doubt can still be the difference between scoring runs and your dismissal.

We would guess that in Test cricket this way of getting out is more common than losing your wicket to a stupid shot.

Stupid shots v indecisiveness

England’s attitude at the minute is that bad shots are only dangerous when you play them, but doubt is dangerous all the time. The captain and coach therefore try and counter what they see as the bigger threat.

When you question a batter’s judgement in one specific instance, you almost certainly create a very small bit of doubt in them about every other instance. So they pretty much do not do that.

They say this instead: Whatever you want to do, just do it. Don’t think twice, just react. We won’t criticise you afterwards unless you were anything other than wholehearted going for whatever shot you chose.

They try to feed conviction.

International batters will almost certainly internalise truly bad decisions automatically. It’s also worth pointing out that the skilful ones will massively improve the percentages on what wouldn’t ordinarily be considered a ‘percentage shot’ by playing it with total certainty.

There’s no point painting this no-real-recriminations philosophy as a cure-all, because clearly it isn’t. It has however been a means of attaining some basic batting competence most of the time. In Test cricket, where every single decision is questioned by onlookers, that is a much harder thing to maintain than you might think.

> Why the word ‘Bazball’ is not helping any of us

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